(Steve is pinning a mic onto Beth's bra)
Beth: You're taking a long time putting that mic on.
Mick: Right. Blood cult. So, we're talking vampires?
Beth: I know ... they don't exist. But something has to explain all the killing and the Goth-o-rama around here, I mean obviously she had a thing for vampires.
Mick: Yeah, I guess they're back in style. ... You know, some people actually find them attractive?
Mick: (to Professor Ellis) So, tell me something, professor. Do the salutary effects kick in before or after the sex with your students?
Mick: (voice over; about Beth) The last time I held her in my arms she was only a child. Over the years I tried to stay close, just out of sight in case she needed me, and tonight she did.
Carl: Come on, threesomes never end well.
Carl: Don't ask.
Beth: A girl's dead, I'm not letting this go.
Mick: You're kinda pushy, aren't you?
Beth: You'll get used to it.
Steve: What are we still doing here?
Beth: Looking for her car.
Steve: Right, and how do we know she didn't just walk?
Beth: Nobody walks in L.A.
Interviewer: What about daylight?
Mick: Daylight's not good. Daylight's not good. The longer I'm in the sun the worse I feel.
Interviewer: But you don't burst into flames?
Mick: Not if I can help it.
Interviewer: How do you kill a vampire? Wooden stake I'm guessing?
Mick: No, a wooden stake won't kill a vampire. Flame thrower will kill a vampire or we can lose our head, I mean literally, other than that we heal.
Mick: Hey, and don't forget - I'm your only friend who doesn't like you just for your money.
Josef: That's true. Sad, but true.
Josef: Look. I know you have morals and scruples and that's fine. Sort of. But you are not the man I on occasion pretend to respect if you don't get this under control. I hear you have a soft spot for the mortal ones, a fascination with all the charming things they do while listening to the tick tick tick of their own looming demise. That's fine. That's good. Everyone needs a hobby.
Josef: So you're telling me some poser wannabe drinking blood out of a Snoop Dogg chalice is behind this?
Josef: It's a reporter from Buzzwire, she started this whole killer vampire thing. A Beth-somebody.
Josef: You know her?
Mick: Yeah, we did some breaking and entering together.
Josef: Well, you, my friend, must get her to stop.
Mick: What do you mean? Like she's driving along and suddenly her car explodes?
Josef: I was thinking you ask her nicely, but fielder's choice.
(Josef talking to Mick about his blood drinking)
Josef: You're fighting a losing battle, my friend. Sooner or later your inner vampire is gonna demand to be fed.
The Professor: When most people hear the word vampire, they immediately conjure up an image of some undead monstrosity running around at night trying to drink human blood.
Mick: (to himself) I hate that.
Mick: (voiceover) Somewhere in the city, a killer is on the loose. Josef wants me to hunt him to keep our secret safe. I just want to make sure he doesn't do it again. You don't have to be a vampire to get a taste for blood.
Mick: (voiceover) Nine out of ten murders, the killer is someone the victim knew. That's why I wasn't about to miss Kelly Foster's funeral. Too bad funerals always take place during the day.
Josef: Would you care for a liquid refreshment?
Mick: No thank you.
(a woman walks in and offers her arm to Josef)
Josef: You sure? She's delicious. 82' was a good year.
Mick: We went to the Super Bowl in 82' right? Lost a million bucks on Cincinnati that year right?
Josef: Except for that.
(Inside Mick's loft, Josef is on the armchair, foot on the coffee table and glass of blood in his hand)
Josef: It's about time you got back!
Mick: Make yourself at home!
Josef: I did! I poured myself a drink. You seriously drink this stuff? What is it? Like not-fat, soy, vegan blood?
(inside the victim's apartment)
Mick: I'm not gonna hurt you!
Beth: You're not gonna hurt me? How do I know you're not the killer?
Mick: Well, because I'm not killing you!
Beth: Ok, if you're not the killer, and let's go with that because it's comforting, what are you doing here?
Journalist: So, you sleep in a coffin?
Mick: No, that's an old wives' tale, I sleep in a freezer! And while we're on the subject: garlic is tasty on pizza.
Journalist: Does it repel you?
Mick: It repels my dates sometimes! Toss holy water on me, I get wet. Crucifixes, okay, if you like that kind of thing. Oh, and I definitely can't turn into a bat. That'd be cool though, wouldn't it?
Journalist: So you never bite anybody?
Mick: No, no...unless they really ask for it.
Mick: Being a vampire sucks. It's a bad joke, I know, but it's the truth.
Mick: We're on the same side.
Josef: Sorry. I'm not questioning your loyalties.
Mick: Yeah, good.
Josef: Yeah, vampire solidarity. Ra Ra Ra and all that.
Mick: (as he holds Beth) Sixty years is a long time to deny yourself the touch of another, but you do it. Because you just can't bear the thought of seeing yourself as a monster in someone else's eyes.
Mick: (about Coraline) Forever is a long time with an ex-wife like mine.
Josef: Have you seen the news? This terrible thing in West Hollywood? It's everywhere: "Vampire Slaying Rocks LA".
Mick: Yeah, it doesn't look good for us.
Josef: It's a threat to our secrecy. What is this, the 1720's? We're discreet, we don't leave bodies lying around. Now, we have to be extra vigilant. We live in an era of fingerprint scans, DNA tests, genome mapping....
Mick: Josef, relax!
Josef: I am relaxed. This is relaxed. You're only 90. You've never been chased by a torch-bearing mob! Hungry!
Beth: We gotta get a shot of the body.
Steve: The cops won't let anyone get close.
Beth: I'm not leaving without my money shot. Oh, my god. Did I just say that?
Beth: I've become a news whore overnight.
Steve: Well...not overnight.
Mick: Everyone says they're open-minded, everyone tries to accept people who are different from them. But the truth is, people don't react well when they find out that you're undead. And the other thing you've got to deal with? When you live forever, the past always catches up with you.
Josef: (watching the news) Vampire experts. Beautiful. Now we got the food mouthing off about the farmer.
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